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10 February 2007 @ 04:19 pm
my name is nikki and i am new here. i'm 24 years old. i have a boyfriend named chris of 2 years that is also 24 years old. his mom lives with us. and i really need someone to vent to that can probably relate to me. that is why i joined this community. maybe you can give me some advice or encouragement even though he and i are not married...?

before we moved in together: chris used to live with his sister, her husband, their twin daughters, the husband's dad and uncle. 7 people in one small house. chris lived in the attic, the sister, husband and twins lived in the middle floor 2 bedroom living quarters, and the dad and uncle lived in the basement. i spent half the week there with chris in the attic because:
a) he wanted me to
b) i went to school in that town and instead of spending 2 hours on the road driving to and from school... it was just easier to stay there.

The other part of the week i lived with my parents' and kept all my stuff over there and only brought an overnight bag to chris'. I kept out of the way. I noticed some conflict occuring in chris' household after about 10 months of dating (no, i didn't live there the whole 10 months... it was like 4 months) so I told chris that I was going to get my own apartment in the summer and get a job and go to school. Chris was like, "hey i want to move out too! we should move in together and i will pay a lot of the bills so you don't have to work all the time since you are already going to school." I was like, "ehhh i don't know... we have only been together for 8 months and i'm going to get low income housing... it's ok." chris started looking for a house to live in and needless to say we moved in together in july.

after we moved in together: july was supposed to be our first month of privacy. but on the 4th of july chris invited his brother, the brother's wife and 2 kids to stay with us for 2 weeks while he was in town... not only did chris invite his brother and his brother's family but also his mom and stepdad for one weekend. we live in a 2 bedroom 1 level house... it is an apartment sized house. the last week in july chris' mom had a very messy split from her husband and moved in with chris' sister for 3 days until chris (unknowingly to me) invited his mom to live with us for a month or so. his mom has been living with us for 7 months!

about his mom: everything is about her. she talks all the time about her past 35 years of life and sometimes more. i could tell you more about his mom's life than i could about my boyfriend's life. the mom has ups and downs all the time... she is on bi-polar medication. she is in therapy because she claims that her last husband hit her for 20 years... her therapist and her medical doctors don't believe her. everyone thinks the ex-husband is a gentle teddy bear and that the mom is an antagonist who picks and picks at people until they lose it. the mom is not only suing her recent ex-husband but also her husband from 20 years ago (chris' dad) for so called "retirement funds" that she thinks she has a right to just because she married them. in all her 50 years she has probably only worked 10 years of her life and has jumped from man to man to support her. she has lived with every one of her adult children for a couple of years. she is living off the government ($200 a month), spousil support from her recent ex ($500 a month), and also her children give her money ($300 a month). she is making $700 more than me a month and she doesn't work for any of it!!!!! and why won't she leave? she says she doesn't have enough money and maybe she doesn't because she keeps suing people!!!!

what his mom does to me: everything is my fault. i don't appreciate her enough even though i listen to her babble on and on all day long. lately she has been watching the news stories about anna nicole all day long. every speculation is truth to her and she tells me all of it.... "you know there was just breaking news right now that it's offical... anna nicole overdosed on methadone!" who cares?!?!?! she complains and cries to my boyfriend every night in their special meetings that take place in her room after he gets home from work for about 3-4 hours about how mean i was to her that day. i didn't do anything to her! i keep to myself because i can't stand her. i pretend i like her. i pretend to listen to her. when i feel like correcting her i bite my tounge, while smiling and nodding i say, "oh really? i did not know that. that is so facinating!" i am making myself NUTS! I know there is no intention of her moving out. she doesn't contribute anything to our household but she thinks she does... she thinks she is our housekeeper but she doesn't clean and she doesn't pay for anything in our house and she doesn't cook. and it's not like i wanted a housekeeper anyway!

what my boyfriend says: he says he lets people walk all over him. that it is hard to see his mom cry like a little baby. that it is hard to make 2 women happy. that we need to work it out and that i need to compliment and be more sympathetic to his mom. he doesn't believe his mom was abused but he lets people come over to the house from church organization to donate clothing to his mom even though she has 20 boxes of clothing piled high in our garage. she has furnature in our garage also that she is not willing to part with. she is the worst pack rat ever.

our future: he says his mom will move out soon... well our lease is up in 4 months. and i'm going away to college in 4 months. my boyfriend says he won't leave his job for me and that he will see me on the weekends. he will end up living with his mother no doubt... they will probably rent this same house out for another year. i am moving 3.5 hours away and i will never see him again. what a loser.

you know. his mom is such a meddler. when she keeps to herself our relationship is fine but when they have these chats in her room all night he isn't willing to do a damn thing for me and doesn't care two shits about me.

conclusion: maybe i will be better off. it's just hard to let go after i have tried so hard to just go off somewhere where i don't know a single soul and try to make a life for myself. this is the longest relationship i have ever been in and i thought it was going somewhere.
 
 
Current Mood: crazycrazy
 
 
24 June 2006 @ 11:27 am
Just wanted to bring up something I've noticed - lots of us younger folk seem to be OK with being openly expressive with our peers, but when we get with our more traditional elders we just clam up. It just comes from having the whole Asian family hierarchy drummed into us.

But I've discovered something pretty interesting. As an adult, if you're affectionate with them, they tend to react with surprise, and a degree of shyness.

For example: I've found hugging older folk throws them off a bit, but afterwards they walk around with an am4 qio3 (secret smile) on their face. If a hug is inappropriate, rubbing their back with an open palm works too. : )

Some of them just don't know how to handle it and react the only way they know how, with sarcasm or rejection. But if you're thick skinned enough you can move past that easily. Like, if they say, "Don't be silly! What are you doing!" or, "Wah, why so loving, what do you want?", you can just lay it out plain. "Just want to sayang you, what. Nice?"

What do you think? Think it'll work with ornery MILs? It's hard to imagine it working with some people, but I say it's worth a try! I'm guessing after some time they should soften their stance a bit. What can they complain about to their friends? That you're too nice and hug her too much?
 
 
16 June 2006 @ 11:23 pm
Hi All,

First time here and i think this community is so apt! Can i just start the ball rolling by asking what you address your mother/father-in-law by?

I'm from HK, and the hubby's family is also cantonese. Somehow they must've watched too much period hk drama serials. They expect me to call the MIL "Lai Lai" and FIL "Lou Yeh"... ?!?!??

I was expecting to simply follow what the other half calls his/her parents! Just can't stand the fact that it's old fashioned! What's wrong with mom and dad?
 
 
16 June 2006 @ 03:54 pm
hello and welcome!

this is the the_outlawed community that's for anyone who's got in-laws to deal with. whether you're married or not, dealing with someone else's family isn't easy. there are habits and traditions you have no idea about, and don't even get us started on hierachies and such!

but as LJ is a place where we can share and get (or give) advice, or just talk about the problems we've faced and any solutions we might have found. it doesn't have to be all bad - if you have great in-laws, tell us what makes them so great and what you love about them.

this is a place that's just for you to go to, when your other family's concerned!